Klostervisits and Nun jokes

That we know when visiting:
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Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.
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A priest and a nun partnered up for a game of golf.As the priest swung the first drive he missed and senta large divit flying through the air. "Shit,I missed," he siad.The nun looked shocked. Several holes later he missed a vital putt."Shit ,I missed," muttered the Priest. This time the nun could not contain herself."Father,you must watch your language." The Priest apologized."May God strike me dead if I swear again," he said.But on the 18th he chipped the ball into the bunker. "Ah shit,missed again," he said. Suddenly a bolt of lightening flashed down from a black cloud and struck the nun dead. And a thunderous voice from above boomed:" Ah shit,missed again."
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Two nuns in a bath. The first one says "Where's the soap"; the second one replies "Yes it does, doesn't it"
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It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off.They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says,"Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies,"OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
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One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!"
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And for those who learn German :)

Lärm und Gelächter im Klosterhof. Die Abtissin kommt verärgert und schimpft die jungen Novizinnen: "Wenn ihr weiterhin so viel Lärm macht, dann dürft ihr nächstes Mal nicht mehr Fahrrad ohne Sattel fahren!"

Die Äbtissin läßt wegen eines nächtlichen Vorfalls alle Nonnen des Konvents versammeln und spricht: "Schwestern, ein Mann wurde heute Nacht im Konvent gesehen!""Uuuuh" machen die Nonnen. Eine Nonne: "hihihihi""Schwestern, es wurde auch ein benutztes Kondom gefunden!" "Uuuuh" machen die Nonnen. Eine Nonne: "hihihihi" "Schwestern, die schlechte Nachricht ist, daß das Kondom ein Loch hatte!!""hihihihi" machen die Nonnen. Eine Nonne: "Uuuuh"

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