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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Grand BeerMugPoobah


Have you noticed that there are two basic types of Oktoberfestians? There are the smart, educated ones (mostly female) with engineering and medical degrees, for example. And then there are the Oktoberfestians who are essentially monkeys with Beer Mugs. We call them BeerMugHolders. I think we need different strategies for dealing with them.Now before you go and accuse me of racial insensitivity, remember that the BeerMugHolders are my race (Caucasian). They are simply uneducated. What I’m about to say will seem unkind, but it’s an objective fact that almost everything the BeerMugHolders do can be taught to a chimp, e.g. ride motorcycles, shoot rifles, eat, wear pyjamas, poop.If you make a list of all the things monkeys do NOT do, then compare it to the list of things the BeerMugHolders likewise do NOT do, you’d find a lot of similarities. Monkeys don’t read and write, don’t use computers, don’t play Scrabble, don’t invent anything, and so forth. To be fair, the BeerMugHolders do have language skills whereas monkeys can only use sign language. But the point is that we shouldn’t use the same strategy with the BeerMugHolders that we use with the smart Oktoberfestians. We’ll have to “quarantine” the smart ones, e.g. let them go to Scotland (Inverness). We can outsmart the dumb ones.Here’s my plan. I call it the Grand BeerMugPoobah. As I understand the Oktoberfest system, faithful Oktoberfestians such as the BeerMugHolders tend to do whatever their higher religious authorities instruct them to do. And in most cases the faithful have never personally seen the highest religious authority in their chain of command. That’s extra true if you are an illiterate BeerMugHolders goober with no TV or radio. Everything is based on word of mouth.So what we should do is hire an actor (Borat ?) to assume the role of the highest religious figure in the BeerMugHolders religious hierarchy. I call him the Grand BeerMugPoobah. Then you take him on a tour around Bavaria so everyone can see him and spread the world. You might need to hire a few thousand extras to act as his groupies, just to impress onlookers. We could use all of our Hollywood expertise to make the Grand BeerMugPoobah seem authentic. He’d have an impressive back story about his humble origins and his rise to the highest level of BeerMugPoobahdom. Ideally, he could learn some mind reading tricks from Penn and Teller just to wow the crowd. He might even predict the future, such as tomorrow’s weather, because even that would impress the BeerMugHolders.Once the Grand BeerMugPoobah has established himself as the ultimate religious authority, he can start issuing orders. For example, he can order the BeerMugHolders to subsidize the smart Oktoberfestians when going to Scotland. You might think it would be hard to convince the BeerMugHolders that the Grand BeerMugPoobah is their new religious authority. But consider that the BeerMugHolders are perhaps the world’s most gullible people. And you don’t need to win over every single BeerMugHolder. All you need is a simple majority because the majority will then kill the minority. Problem solved.This probably won’t be the plan that wins me the Nobel Beer Prize. But can you think of any reason it wouldn’t work?

4 comments:

Einfahrt said...

Armmm. Ummm. Alllum.

Sorry. It takes a minute to get used to that language thing again.

Let me lift my knuckles off the ground for a minute and manipulate my opposable thumbs to grunt and fumble through an inarticulate and disorganized response.

The better half of my marital union has been to Oktoberfest. She enjoyed the experience, the company, the shopping - but has, in the fashion of the more intelligent of the species "captured the essence" and wishes new experiences; my sibling likewise.

Both, being of the forgiving and tolerant, as well as superior in intelligence, sort that they are - recognize that, like slow students, there are some that have not yet ceased the primitive celebrations of fall, of pork, of beer, and of bacchanal song.

To those primitive sorts, the company of the fairer, and smarter, and tolerant, and forgiving, and certainly higher plane of existence portion of the species is desired, honored, and enjoyed. It’s sort of like Sherpas being invited for tea with their British mountain climbers.

Some of the fairer, smarter, forgiving, tolerant, higher-plane and graceful types enjoy the company of the primitives, if only for a brief period, in their enjoyment of their backward celebrations.

Some, who have been before, will go again, but wish to space their presence in such a way as to leave room for other experiences, such as Inverness. Such is the fate of the primitives: their primitive rituals are not always interesting enough to the better part of the species. Sigh. Grunt. Shuffle off to look for berries.

BarleyMan said...

Uhhh... Sorry. I was at the mosque and didn't see the post until now.

I like the concept of a being a beer mug holder. It fits into the Puhba Consciousness® and state of well being. From a physical standpoint, I have personally always considered myself a 'processing plant' for beer. It's called the cycle of life. Raw materials in, raw materials out.

But, on the spiritual side it represents a much great truth. I must instruct now, pay close attention: I pour goodness into my body (beer), and bad things come out (poop, pee, spit, snot, ear wax).

Therefore, due to the conservation law of physics (see definition at bottom of post), I have a net increase in goodness. (for those novitiates not paying attention, Goodness in, Badness out) Therefore, beer brings goodness to my being. (Please re-read until you fully understand the meaning)

I know this is true, because sometimes you drink so much goodness (beer), that the outflow gives the absolute appearance (smell, color, taste?) of beer.

Many of my disciples ask, Why, O' Grand Puhba, does my pee smell like beer? Why does my body reject pure goodness? Am I becoming a bad person by drinking so much?

This is a common question of those new to the Puhba Consciousness. Have no fear, my friend! I tell them that when this phenomenon occurs, it means the inner soul is sated. Therefore the benevolent being inside decides to share the goodness it has received. This is the first major step to a higher level of being.

Now, I have grown weary. I must go off and tend to the more plebian aspects of my busy life.

The Grand Puhba has spoken.

---------------------------------
Conservation law of physics: A law which states that, in a closed system, the total quantity of something will not increase or decrease, but remain exactly the same; that is, its rate of change is zero. For physical quantities, it states that something can neither be created nor destroyed. In Puhba Consciousness, it means that the beer must go somewhere.

Chugger said...

As a former Grand Puhba, and founding member of the Oktoberfest Organizing Committee, I must agree with all previous pontifications on this topic.

How can anyone argue with Schlumberger Lady's characterization of the BeerMugHolders? A wise and astute observation for sure. I am pleased to be characterized as such.

Similarly, Einfahrt understands the group dynamics when he says the "fairer, smarter, forgiving, tolerant, higher-plane and graceful types enjoy the company of the primitives". As a representative of "the primitives", I continually hope this is true.

Finally, BarleyMan explains the true meaning of Puhba Consciousness®. How could we ever again question why our pee smells (and looks) like beer? Does this apply to Asparagus as well?

But I tend to reduce all controversial issues to the most common denominator; and usually this means following the advice and guidance of the "better half of my marital union". As we reviewed the comments set forth in the initial volley of words, Designated Walker simply said, and I quote, "If you don't want us to go, just say so". So, taking the advice of an educated one, who has seen the world and understands the nuances thereof, I proclaim, knowing full well the consequences that will befall me, "we don't want lots of women!"

There, I said it. Let the chastising begin ! ! !

Chugger said...

Oh, by the way.... Where do I get one of those mugs?