Random Thoughts for First-Timers

As with anything, attending Oktoberfest for the first time has its nuances and challenges for the neophyte. For those of you traveling with us for the first time, remember....

A Maß, sometimes spelled Mass, but pronounced "mahss", has nothing to due with Sunday morning. Unless of course you had too many on Saturday night.

Contrary to public opinion, the infamous Pissorts (a truly efficient marvel of German engineering marvel for relieving one's bladder) are not used to recycle the beer. They are, however, used as a flavoring source for Miller Lite.

When visiting a tent for the first time, it is almost impossible to find a seat. You must slowly work your way onto a bench, one person at a time. Typically the current occupants will welcome you... one at a time. You may even need to attempt to devour adjoining tables. Eventually you will own the table. But be patient. Of course if you are not patient, have a large group, and want to clear a table quickly.... just have Joe start talking with them.

Once seated, remember the golden rule of tent drinking.... do not under any circumstances put your foot/feet on the table! Standing on the benches, however, is not only permitted, but encouraged.

The most accepted way to greet an old friend, or acknowledge a new one, is to raise your Maß, and yell "Prost", or "Ein Prosit". Do this whenever prompted, and you will have friends for life. Of course, follow the salutation with a nice long drink from your Maß.

Singing in the tents is an art form. The best part of singing is you are not required to have a good signing voice, or even know words. There are some verses, however, that you should at least be familiar with, and practice before attending. Please study hard, and remember....

1. "E - I - E - I - EIO"
2. "Alice, Alice, who the fuck is Alice?"
3. "Whisper words of wisdom, Let It Be, Let it Beeeeeeeeeeeeee...."

And the most revered German beer drinking lyric of all time... "Take Me Home, Country Road, to a place, Where I Belooooong, West Virginia, Mountain Momma, Take me Home, Country Road". There will be an exam during our fist meeting at the Hofbrauhaus, so here are all of the words.